Wednesday, October 15, 2014
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked. "Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?" "Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice. "No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?" "Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
Thursday, October 2, 2014
A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the road pounding a sign into the ground that reads: The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before it's Too Late! As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you Religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The priest turns to the pastor and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge is down'?"
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
A very skilled and extraordinary carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer/contractor of his plans to leave the house building business and live a more leisurely life. The contractor was sorry to see his amazing worker go and asked if he could build just one more house for full pay as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end his career. When the carpenter finished his work and the builder came to inspect the house, the contractor handed the front-door key to the carpenter. "This is your house," he said, "my gift to you." What a shock! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently. Now he had to live in the home he had built none too well.
An atheist businessman decided to open a disco business right opposite a church. The church started a petition to stop the disco from opening and the congregation prayed daily against the disco business. One day a violent lightning struck the disco and it was burnt to the ground. The businessman sued the church on the grounds that the church through its congregation and prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his disco. In its reply to the court, the church members denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the destruction of the disco building. The judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented: “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have an atheist businessman who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire church congregation that doesn’t.”
The Jewish Perspective on Guilt There is something special about a Yiddishe Mamme. • After all the money we spent on braces, is that the biggest smile you can give me? [Mona Lisa's Jewish Mother] • I don't care what you've discovered, you could have still written articles. [Columbus' Jewish Mother] • Of course I'm proud you invented the electric light bulb. Now be a good boy and turn it off and go to bed. [Thomas Edison's Jewish mother] • But it's your Barmitzvah photo. Couldn't you do something about your hair? [Albert Einstein's Jewish mother] • That's a nice “story.” So now tell me where you've really been for the last 40 years. [Jonah's Jewish mother]
A Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten. "Behave, my Bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, Tataleh! And come right back home on the bus, Schein Kindaleh. Your Mommy loves you a lot, my Ketsaleh, my angel!" At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him. "So what did my adorable beauty learn on his first day of school?" The boy answers, "I learned my name is David.”
There is a story of an American who took his son to London to show him the interesting sights of that historic city. During the tour, the father made sure to take him to Parliament and point out the huge clock on top of the building known as "Big Ben." The child strained to get a full view of the clock, and so did the others who came to see it. "Daddy, I would like to ask you something," said the boy. "Why did they put the clock so high and make people strain their necks to look up to it? Couldn't they have made the clock level with the eyes so that everyone could see it easily, without trouble?" The father thought for a moment and replied, "It is this way: If they had placed the clock low, people would adjust Big Ben to the time on their watches. Now that the clock is high, beyond the reach of all, they cannot try to reset it. If they want to have the correct time, they must set their own watches in accordance with the time shown by Big Ben."