Thursday, January 30, 2014

Check Out My Room

By Dov Peretz Elkins - Chabad.org A prominent rabbi of Newton, Massachusetts, attended a housewarming party at a large, beautiful home in his wealthy suburb of Boston. Guests oohed and ahhed, checking out every unusual piece of furniture, every exotic light fixture, every imported piece of handcrafted art, the thick azure carpets, the golden hand-carved door handles both inside and outside, and on and on and on. During the course of the evening, the homeowners related to their guests that they had paid the highest fee for their interior decorator, but it was worth every penny. The results were astonishing. Every decision, down to the last window treatment, was just impeccable. They could not have been more pleased. “This,” they declared, in contrast to how most people thought a home should be furnished, “is interior decorating.” About an hour passed, and the elderly mother of the hostess, who lived with her daughter and son-in-law, asked her rabbi friend to come upstairs and take a look at her room. Having left the posh living room and dining room of this large, magnificently appointed and lavish home, the elderly woman opened the door of her upstairs bedroom and pointed her finger toward the windowsill. When the rabbi looked, he was astounded at what he saw. The woman did not point, as the daughter did, to any of the furniture or decorations of the room. She pointed only to the windowsill, toward a row of charity boxes, pushkes, one for every worthwhile cause imaginable. There were boxes for hospitals, yeshivot (religious schools), orphanages, battered women’s shelters, homes for children who were blind or deaf, funds for the handicapped—you name it! One for every single Jewish institution she could find that distributed charity boxes for people to drop coins in and return when full. Before modern methods of fundraising took hold, these small charity boxes “decorated” kitchen windows in every traditional Jewish home. “Now, Rabbi,” said the elderly woman, gazing proudly at her windowsill filled with charity boxes—“this is interior decorating!”

Monday, September 9, 2013

Joke : a handful of peanuts

> A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway
when
> he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a
handful
> of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she
taps
> him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She
> repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him
> another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat
> the peanuts yourself?".
>
> "We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
>
> The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
>
> The old lady replied, "We love the chocolate on the outside."

Friday, June 7, 2013

Joke - THE CITIZENSHIP TEST



Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class.  He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly. He was then
asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded: "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so
I took the subvay home."

Joke: women use more words than men

WORDS

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife his long-held contention
that women in general, and his wife in particular, talked too much, he showed her the studyath results, which stated: "Men use about 15,000 words per day,
but women use 30,000."  His wife thought awhile, then finally she said to her husband, "That's because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said, "What?"

Thursday, May 2, 2013

The widow - joke


Becky's husband dies. It was not until sometime after that Becky was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. 
"Sidney thought of everything," she told some friends. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside and handed me 3 envelopes." 
"Becky," he told me, "I have put all my last wishes in these 3 envelopes. After I am gone, open them in sequence and do exactly as I have written. Only then can I rest in peace." 
"What was in the 1st envelope?" her friends asked. 
"It contained £5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy me a nice coffin’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany coffin for him." 
"The 2nd envelope contained £10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for the shiva, including some fine malt whisky." 
"And the 3rd envelope?" asked her friends. 
"The 3rd envelope contained £25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone’. So I did." 
Becky then held up her hand and pointed to her 5 carat diamond ring. "So," said Becky, "You like my stone?"

The Jewish advisor - joke


 
There once lived a king who had an advisor called Hymie. The king relied so much on the wisdom of Hymie that one day he decided to promote him to chief advisor. But the other advisors objected. 
They said, "It's OK sitting in counsel with a Jew, but to allow him to boss us about would be unacceptable." 
The King accepted their argument and ordered Hymie to convert. Hymie had to obey the King. 
But soon after, Hymie felt great remorse and over the months that followed he became despondent, his health suffered and he grew weak. 
Finally Hymie could take it no longer and made a decision. He went to the king and said, "I was born a Jew and a Jew I will always be. So do whatever you want with me." 
The King had no idea Hymie felt so strong about his 'conversion'. 
"OK," said the King, "if that's how you feel, go be a Jew again. The other advisors will just have to live with it. You're too important for me to lose." 
On his way back home to tell the news to his family, Hymie felt the strength surge back into his body. 
When he arrived, he called out to his wife, "Sarah, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again." 
Sarah glared at him and said, "Couldn't you wait until after Passover?" 

The convert - Joke


The convert. 
Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest. 
He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. "Pastor Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."