Joke : a handful of peanuts

> A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway
when
> he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a
handful
> of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she
taps
> him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She
> repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him
> another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat
> the peanuts yourself?".
>
> "We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
>
> The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
>
> The old lady replied, "We love the chocolate on the outside."

Joke - THE CITIZENSHIP TEST

Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class.  He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly. He was then
asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded: "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so
I took the subvay home."

Joke: women use more words than men

WORDS

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife his long-held contention
that women in general, and his wife in particular, talked too much, he showed her the studyath results, which stated: "Men use about 15,000 words per day,

but women use 30,000."  His wife thought awhile, then finally she said to her husband, "That's because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said, "What?"

The widow - joke

Becky's husband dies. It was not until sometime after that Becky was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. 
"Sidney thought of everything," she told some friends. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside and handed me 3 envelopes." 
"Becky," he told me, "I have put all my last wishes in these 3 envelopes. After I am gone, open them in sequence and do exactly as I have written. Only then can I rest in peace." 
"What was in the 1st envelope?" her friends asked. 
"It contained £5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy me a nice coffin’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany coffin for him." 
"The 2nd envelope contained £10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for the shiva, including some fine malt whisky." 
"And the 3rd envelope?" asked her friends. 
"The 3rd envelope contained £25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone’. So I did." 
Becky then held up her hand and pointed to her 5 carat diamond ring. "So," said Becky, "You like my stone?"

The Jewish advisor - joke

 
There once lived a king who had an advisor called Hymie. The king relied so much on the wisdom of Hymie that one day he decided to promote him to chief advisor. But the other advisors objected. 
They said, "It's OK sitting in counsel with a Jew, but to allow him to boss us about would be unacceptable." 
The King accepted their argument and ordered Hymie to convert. Hymie had to obey the King. 
But soon after, Hymie felt great remorse and over the months that followed he became despondent, his health suffered and he grew weak. 
Finally Hymie could take it no longer and made a decision. He went to the king and said, "I was born a Jew and a Jew I will always be. So do whatever you want with me." 
The King had no idea Hymie felt so strong about his 'conversion'. 
"OK," said the King, "if that's how you feel, go be a Jew again. The other advisors will just have to live with it. You're too important for me to lose." 
On his way back home to tell the news to his family, Hymie felt the strength surge back into his body. 
When he arrived, he called out to his wife, "Sarah, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again." 
Sarah glared at him and said, "Couldn't you wait until after Passover?" 

The convert - Joke

The convert. 
Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest. 
He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. "Pastor Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..." 

Gourmet food -Joke

Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop. 
An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?" 
"Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to buy a pound of lox." 
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon." 
"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then." 
"Anything else?" 
"Yes, a dozen blintzes." 
"No. No. You mean crepes." 
"Okay, a dozen crepes." 
"Anything else?" 
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver." 
"No. No. You mean pate." 
"Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then and I'd like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday." 
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep on Shabbos!" 

Joke - The dream

. 
Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?" 
The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"

Joke: A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything!"

 

The Jew says to the Arab, "I am going to show you there is nobody better than a Jew." He goes to the owner and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.''

 

Intrigued, the owner accepts and give him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and ask for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for another one and swallows it just the same.

 

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and says, "What did you do with the pastry? Are you trying to fool me?"

 

The Jew answers, "Look in the Arab's pocket."

Joke - his entire life he never gave a thing

Issy and David friends fir many years always together
Every Sunday went fishing together

One Sunday the water got very rocky and turned over the boat.

David starts to swim to shore and hears Issy calling fir hell turns around sees Issy struggling to stay afloat
David remembers Issy doesn't know how to swim
He swims towards Issy and Issy starts going under and up
David says give me your hand Issy give me your hand ill save you
But he drowns

During shiva David is at the home if the widow
And she asks what happened that day
David tells over
She replies oy you should have given him your hand
Don't you know his entire life he never gave a thing

Story: Buying a Miracle

A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet. She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes.

Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.

She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention but he was too busy at this moment.

Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise.

Nothing.

She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster

No good.

Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the

glass counter.

That did it!

"And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice. "I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages," he said without waiting for a reply to his question.

"Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. "He's really, really sick... and I want to buy a miracle."

''I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.

His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his

head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?"

"We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you," the pharmacist said, softening a little.

"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs."

The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your brother need?"

I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. "I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money."

"How much do you have?" asked the man from Chicago.

"One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered barely audibly. And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to."

"Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven cents—the exact price of a miracle for little brothers."

He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said "Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need."

That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well. Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place.

"That surgery," her Mom whispered, "was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?"

Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...one dollar and eleven cents, plus the faith of a little child who managed to inspire a surgeon from Chicago to fulfill the purpose of all creation: to give.

Joke - Members who died in Service

Rabbi walks out of the sanctuary and sees the young Daniel staring at the memorial wall. He says, "Daniel, welcome to shul. I see that this is your first time here, you look bewildered, perplexed. What's on your mind? Why do you seem so confused?"

Daniel replies, "Rabbi, I'm fascinated by this wall. I love the lights and how they shine on the names, but I just can't figure out what this is all about."

"Oh Daniel," says the Rabbi, "it's quite simple, these are names of people who davened in this shul and now passed on, we remember their memories by lighting a candle on these special days."

But Rabbi, I still don't get it, what's up with those flags in the middle section? "Daniel, those are the names of members who died in service?"
In utter shock, Daniel replies: Really Rabbi!!? Which service? Rosh Hashana or Yom Kippur?!